Inside my Crazy Pregnant Mind

I am over half way through my 39th week of pregnancy! It went by so fast that if I didn't look as big as a house, I wouldn't believe that I'm actually this far. I'm so grateful that I am healthy and that this baby sister will be fully grown and developed when she comes. No preemie clothes for her! I can't complain about this pregnancy at all. I am exhausted all the time, get worn out after about half an hour of anything, and have trouble sleeping, but that's about it. I know a lot of people have it worse, so I try not complain too much.

Now that I am one day from my due date (!), I am definitely freaking out. Good freaking out and bad freaking out. And that's what I want to write about tonight.

Let's start with the bad...

Swen is still waking up at 5:00 in the morning. It's killing me, and I'm not up all night nursing a newborn. I tried to keep him up late tonight to see if that would help. Then I got tired and decided to put him to sleep. FAIL.

Words can't express how sad I feel thinking that the days of having only Swen are over. Of course I'm excited to have a new baby sister; she was a planned baby! But I have just LOVED the past two years more than any other time in my life. I love being with Swen and don't want him to feel displaced. I worked part time just a little bit during his second year of life, but quit entirely a month ago. We have both gotten used to being together all the time. I don't know if it's the age/stage he's in or if he somehow "gets" that a baby is coming. He is so clingy right now and likes to be next to me constantly.

I am going to have to be in the hospital for 2-3 nights. BLAH! This means being away from Swen. Considering I was just complaining about him getting up super early, I should be excited for this little vacation. I'm definitely not. I'm dreading it. I lose sleep over it. I have left him overnight just two times in his whole life. The first time he was still nursing, so I saw him at 9:00 pm and again the next morning at 8:00. The second time was just recently for our anniversary We left about 4:00 pm and came home the next day about noon. So neither of these times did I go 24 hours without seeing Swen. I know that he will be able to come visit me in the hospital, but it still seems like way too long to be away from him overall.. Luckily Matt and I have lots of family around that Swen can be with. I should be planning times and whatnot with people, but I'm not. I plan on playing it all by ear depending on how he is doing and how I'm doing.

I'm going to have TWO kids. That explains itself.

That's enough of the bad. Here's all the GOOD freaking out going on in my mind:

I'm going to have a perfect little baby GIRL! I love babies, and I love being a mom. Like I said, raising Swen has been amazing and I have loved it all. The fact that I get to do that again is SO SO SO exciting. Every time I feel her move or see another little baby, I get more excited.

It's going to be a GIRL. In case you missed it in the last paragraph. I am so excited to put her in little pink clothes and bows. This could also go in the "bad freaking out" section, though, because I feel comfortable with a little boy, so a little girl is going to be all new.

I get to breastfeed another baby! Call me crazy, but some of my fondest memories were nursing Swen. I can't wait to get to do it all over again. And I don't have to figure out what to feed her which I'm finding quite the challenge with Swen these days.

I get to watch Matt be a daddy with another child. I knew when I married him that he was the companion for me. But I had no idea what kind of dad he'd be. It really could have gone both ways. I never knew that he would be the most patient, loving, caring, and giving dad that he is. He really loves Swen for the exact little person he is and isn't trying to change him or force things on him. He always puts him first and is already doing that with this little baby. I've been panicking about where she should sleep. Swen is in a little toddler bed that is right next to our bed. I was suggesting all these different ideas for where Baby Sister might sleep and Matt said, "Why don't I just go sleep on the couch for a bit, and she can sleep in bed with you? You know that is where she will sleep best, and it is easier for you to nurse her that way." This was the option I wanted all along, but I felt bad just kicking Matt out, so I didn't suggest it. But he remembered that is how Swen slept best, and will do whatever is best for his kids.

Right now that means sleeping on the couch here pretty soon-- and  working lots so I can stay home with them. When discussing finances and our very tight budget, he has not once asked me when I am going to go back to work or even suggested I go back to work. I am grateful that he knows how important it is to me and important for them to have me home when they are young. Because Swen is a toddler right now, I am very particular about how he is raised. I would  really struggle if someone else was dealing with his very "toddler" personality. I was just telling my mom how blessed I am to have a husband who is okay being poor and living in a one bedroom apartment (a very cute one though!). And also how grateful I am for her and my dad for having us live here as if it is our own little house, making it less stressful financially for me to stay home (I know my parents love it, but I'm still forever indebted). I owe all three of them my gratitude forever!

I get to hold a sleeping baby again. Swen only sleeps in beds now. I know this little baby girl will love being held, and I can't wait to do it!

Swen gets to be a big brother. It will be a while, but I know that one day the two of them are going to be best friends. And best enemies. :)

All these good freak-outs and bad freak-outs are the majority of what's keeping me up at night. I am so overwhelmed with excited, happy, sad, and scared emotions that it's hard to sleep. That and I have a giant baby inside me. She can come ANY day now. I'm really hoping for the 3rd of July, so let's plan on that.

My sweet, sweet TWO YEAR OLD

Nobody ever told me that 2-year-olds would be so much fun. When Swen was younger, I worried sometimes that I wouldn't enjoy him as he got older. Of course I was completely wrong about all of this because I'm pretty sure two is the best age yet! He has the cutest, sweetest personality ever and is so much fun to be around. I am no longer working at the restaurant part time, and am LOVING being with him all day long. I'm so grateful to be able to be with him and teach him while he learns and discovers the world.

What 2-year-old Swen enjoys:

• Garbage cans. I am still willing to bet that he WILL be a garbage man one day. Matt and I think this is great because we don't need to save for his college fund. :)
• Balls. Everywhere we go he manages to find a ball. He knows where they are in every store. He calls McDonald's "ball" because the one we frequently visit has a basketball hoop with a ball. 
• Gocks (cars). He finds gocks in every book he owns, and the entire time we drive anywhere he is pointing out all the gocks. Over and over and over again. 
• Singing. He has a list of songs that he LOVES. He will do a motion of a song he wants to hear and keep doing it until someone sings him that song. His favorites are Wheels on the Bus, Twinkle Twinkle, Patty Cake, The Itsy Bitsy Spider, and If You're Happy and You Know It.
• Feeding Kitty. He still loves to feed Kitty her food one piece at a time. Matt doesn't like it because he thinks it will bring ants into our home. Lucky for Swen, Matt got a new job so he hasn't been around enough to realize I'm still letting him feed Kitty. Lucky for me, Matt doesn't read this blog and will never know. :) Unless he's right and we start getting ants; then I will be in trouble! 
• Blocks and Legos. I'm amazed by the giant tall towers this kid builds! 
• Cheese. He would eat cheese all day if I'd let him.
• Feeding himself. His new thing is that I put all his food on his high chair tray and then he runs and points to where he wants me to put the tray on the floor somewhere. Then he will sit down and eat it happily. If I try to put him in the high chair to eat, he will last maybe one minute until he wants up. If he is eating, I'm happy and couldn't care less where his eating occurs.
• Going bye-bye. If I ever tell him we are going bye-bye but don't head directly to the car, he FREAKS out. I can never stop upstairs for even a minute without a tantrum. I've learned to be 100% ready before telling him we get to leave.
• Daddy Baths. Matt still gets into the tub with him, and it is his favorite thing ever. 
• Peanut butter. Straight out of the jar.
• Outside. He would live outside if I let him. I don't think he realizes that I'm NOT outdoorsy at all. He loves all parks, fields, and dirt. He has loved our backyard ever since he could walk, but then Matt's parents got him a sandbox for his birthday, and now he loves it even more. If he's not eating inside, then he's whining at the door to go outside in his sand. I am glad he loves his sandbox , but I'm already sick of the mess. I don't know what I was thinking suggesting this as a gift!  
• Naming people. He loves to ask "a dat?" to everyone. Even though he knows who everyone is already.
• Car grocery carts. He has recently decided that he will only ride in a cart that has a car on it. This becomes a big problem when all the car carts are being used. My mom had him at the store one day while I was at work, and the only car cart was way back behind like 25 other carts. Because she loves him so much, she moved every single cart (while holding Swen!) just so he could have the car cart. I've had to go on car hunts and sometimes wait for people to be finished with their carts before I can shop, so he can have what he wants. Toddlers get very little say in life. I can't imagine how frustrating this would be, so if he wants to ride in a car cart, then he will ride in a car cart!
• Coke. Well really Diet Coke because that's what I drink, but he calls it Coke. And he loves it more than anything. It's bad. I try to give him tiny sips and encourage other drinks. He does love milk and water too, so I'm not too worried.
• Doo doos (toilet paper and paper towel rolls). He likes to hold them up and say, "doo doo" down the tube so that's what they're called. If I was rich, I'd buy him rolls and rolls of paper towels to play with. 
• Hitting Mom. Two sad things here. 1- He calls me "mom." Not anything cute like mamma or mommy. Just plain old mom. Matt gets to be called "dada" and it's adorable. 2- When he's mad at anything, he hits me in the face really hard. Like if he trips on a toy, he will run crying to me, and when I pick him up, he starts hitting me like it's my fault. It is SO funny, but we all try not to laugh so we don't encourage it. I'm just glad it's me he's exploring hitting with and not random people or kids.
• Cleaning up. He is the best cleaner ever! I do very little at night to help him pick up his toys except sit and tell him how awesome he is while he picks up every last toy in the house. It's so cute. He also loves to get wipes and clean the house or restaurant or wherever we are.

What 2-year-old Swen doesn't enjoy:

• Night night time. He actually is a great sleeper. He just doesn't like going to sleep. It takes him FOREVER and he just whines and says, "night night nen" in a sad voice for 40 minutes until he falls asleep. He is back to needing someone to lie there with him while he falls asleep. Ninety percent of the time that person is I. Of course I get annoyed at the time, but then I tell myself that it's okay. What do I have to do that's more important than lying with my sweet baby while he falls asleep? Nothing. Absolutely nothing.
• Play dough. It's hilarious. He won't even touch it.
• When I go anywhere. I don't know if it's because he's truly understanding that I am leaving, or he has a sense things will be changing with a baby here soon, but he wants to know where I am constantly. I secretly (well not really secretly) love it! I know it won't last forever, and I love that he needs me right now.
• Shoes. They are still never on his feet. I'm glad it's summer, so I don't get rude looks and comments about how my child isn't wearing shoes. 
• That's about it! I love how this list is so short. He really is such a happy kid.

I love being a mom to Swen more than anything else in the world. With how little I've updated this blog, I'm sure my next post will be about baby sister and Swen as a big brother! I can't wait-- two little people to spend my days with!

33 weeks pregnant!

LOVE

Taken on his 2nd birthday

Eating dirt in St. George

Fighting sleep and falling asleep in weird positions

Aquarium for his birthday

New sandbox

Long boarding with dada

February 2, 2014

Dear Swen,

Apparently I am not capable of keeping up with blogging anymore. I blame you! You will not leave me alone enough to do anything on a computer. However, this blog is important for me to keep records of your life, so I am going to try harder. It's hard to believe that I'll forget anything about you because you consume my entire life (how lucky am I?), but it's bound to happen, and I want to be able to look back and remember things I've forgotten. I have a few friends that write letters to their children every once in a while. I like the idea, so maybe that will help me remember to write about you!

You are a little over 20 months old with the best personality EVER. You move non-stop and eat non-stop. Usually you do both at the same time. You love to find any random toy that resembles a bowl, then bring it up to me and say, "ahh ahh ahh ahh." I know this means that you would like a snack. Then you carry it around and put it in other little toys and eventually eat it. The word "more" has popped up into your vocabulary this past couple weeks, so when you run out of food, you come up so cute and ask for more.

Next to eating and playing with the garbage can, your all-time favorite thing to do is play with Kitty. My favorite thing is to hear you say her name because you call her Titty! So you just run around saying, "Titty, Titty, Titty" and it is hilarious. You can name all the parts of her face, and she doesn't mind you poking her eyes at all. She probably is okay with it because you are the one who feeds her. You are not patient enough to let her just eat her food, so you carry it around the house and throw her one piece at a time.  She follows you around to every room just waiting for the next little piece of food.

I truly love being your mom more than anything in the world. I find myself tearing up quite often just thinking about how much I love you. Really the only hard thing about raising you so far has been your sleep. If/when you ever go back to read this blog, you will think that all I ever cared about was getting you to sleep! I'm sorry about that. You now sleep through the night every single night. It took a lot of time, but you finally figured it out without any harsh sleep training. People all told us you'd never sleep if we didn't just force you to do it on your own by letting you cry. Daddy and I would never even consider doing that, but being first-time parents we did start doubting our intuition. However, we all three survived together, and you sleep better than most toddlers I hear about (as long as we keep you on a very strict schedule). All I can think now is that  I shouldn't have rushed you and had faith that you would sleep all night when you're ready. I plan on being much more patient with your little brothers and sisters.

Daddy and I really believe in letting you explore the world as much as possible and do most things you want. As a toddler you have really little say in anything about your life, so all the little things that don't matter we let you do. This includes eating your meals all over our house, playing with anything that isn't dangerous, not wearing shoes or socks, turning the TV on and off, taking out all the DVD's, rearranging the fridge, helping cook, eating dry cereal regularly, drinking sips of Diet Coke, throwing things down vents, taking napkins out at every restaurant, getting soaking wet in water fountains while you're fully dressed, being carried all the time, and so much more. You have only been alive 20 months, and you have so much to learn! The best way to learn about the world is to interact with it.

 I see so many kids your age with parents who expect them to act like adults.There is no need for you to be expected to act like an adult yet. You've barely been alive! I often get asked if we are "swatting" you or giving you time outs yet! Each parent has every right to parent how s/he wants, but to think that I would ever put your little body in time out is bonkers to me. You would have no idea what I was doing! And don't get me started on "swatting." I'd like to go on a tangent about how I feel about that. Instead, I will just promise you that your that daddy and I will NEVER let anyone spank you. Not ever.

The one thing that I had to stop you from doing when you were about 17 months old was nursing. I know you would still be nursing if I had the energy, because you loved it. But I am growing a baby sister, and I needed a break before she came! I think you finally have forgiven me, but it was hard for both of us.

Daddy and I love you so much, Swen! We lie in bed just talking about you every night. As long as you always know that we love you, then we will be happy.

Love, Mommy

All Jobs Are Important

At the ripe age of one, Swen has begun to dream about his future. He has set a goal of what he would like to be when he grows up. He is not wishy-washy, and he has never changed his mind about his future career path. Before I let everyone in on his future, I want to remind you that all jobs are important. Society needs janitors, grocery store cashiers, plumbers, etc. These are all jobs that many of us don't view as "ideal professions," but it would be hard to function without them. It just so happens that Swen's dream job is one of these. It is a job that most of us wouldn't want to do, yet one that is critically important. Are you ready? Swen's dream is to become a garbage man! He loves the garbage more than anything in the world. He doesn't care about size, shape, color, or smell. Any garbage can is heaven to him. At home, all he wants is the garbage  cans in the kitchen or the bathroom. They are both up on counters now, but on very special days, the garbage comes down with a fresh bag, and Swen gets to play with it all he wants!

At every restaurant we go to, the first thing Swen finds is the garbage can. I know this is gross, but he's unstoppable. He needs to practice to gain experience for his future.

Guess where else there are garbage cans? The park! Who needs slides, swings, and climbing walls when there are garbage cans around? At every park, Swen immediately finds garbage to throw away. Why would I stand in the way of him saving the planet?

There you have it. Swen will be a garbage man when he grows up. I am so proud of him and his dreams. Next time you see a garbage man, think of baby Swen and remember that all jobs are important! 

He's Finally Perfect!

I have always said that Swen is my ALMOST perfect baby. I hear stories about other babies his age, and they scare me. Things like, "He won't eat" or "I can't take her anywhere" or "He bites everyone." The list goes on and on.

Swen hasn't really had any of these typical toddler behaviors (yet). He is very easy going and loves life. He explores the world as if nothing could go wrong. He eats all the time and has yet to bite or hit anyone. I actually prefer to take him out on errands rather than be bored with him at home. He is so easy to take places. And he doesn't cry very much either. The one thing that was stopping him from being absolutely perfect was how he pretty much refused to sleep more than two hours in a row. Ever.

UNTIL NOW!!

For months I have searched for anything and everything I could find to get Swen to sleep. And I tried most everything too! About a month ago, I gave up looking. I hated failing, and nothing seemed to be designed to meet Swen's needs. Then, when I wasn't even looking, I came upon this article:

http://drjaygordon.com/attachment/sleeppattern.html

I still don't know how I found it. I'm sure it was an answer to prayer (finally!). It was the only thing I ever read that met two criteria. First, it described Swen's problems perfectly--getting up every hour and only wanting to nurse. Second, and most importantly, it was a gentle, peaceful way to teach Swen to sleep. The second I read it I KNEW this was the answer to our problems. I typed out a checklist and stuck it on the fridge to motivate me because I knew it wasn't going to be easy, and it is supposed to take a couple of weeks, and I didn't want to give up. I could check off each night and watch myself get closer!

Following the plan, the first 3 nights I was to nurse Swen when he woke up but not let him fall asleep while nursing. I needed to lay him down in his crib while he was still awake. This was rough. He didn't like it one bit. But I was to stay right next to him, pat him, reassure him, sing to him, etc. until he fell asleep. After a couple nights, I could already see a difference!

After the third night, it happened to be our 15 month doctor appointment. I just switched to a new pediatrician, and I know he was another answer to my prayers. I explained our sleeping problems and also mentioned the new plan I was trying. He was so kind and non judgmental and made me feel like I was doing the exact right thing. I mentioned that I felt like everyone (including our previous doctor) kept telling me to let him "cry it out" alone in a room, so he would learn to self soothe and sleep through the night. I told him that this wasn't for us, and there has to be another way to fix this. His exact words were, "You need to do this gradually. Toddlers thrive with routine, and if you were to just change everything all at once by leaving him in a room to cry, there would be severe consequences, not only with his sleeping but with his entire life." He recommended to continue with the new plan, and to make sure Swen fell asleep in his crib right from the start. This way when he woke up in the night, he wouldn't be confused and wonder how he got into the crib. This was a huge change for us; I always nursed Swen and then rocked him to sleep and then laid him down.

However, I trusted this doctor and again felt like this was what I needed to do. So that night I laid Swen down and sang to him for 30 minutes until he fell asleep in his crib. Then I cried and cried. This is exactly what I wanted; still, it was hard for me not to put him to sleep the way I had for the past 15 months. The next four nights of the plan involved not nursing at all during the night, but instead, picking Swen up when he awoke, snuggling him, singing to him, and they laying him back down when he was still awake. This was harder, but I was going to do it, and sure enough, I continued to see a difference!

Now after two weeks of both the plan I found and the doctor's suggestion, Swen is sleeping through the night! He has slept through the night for the past 3 nights, so I think it is for real. The crib is in our room (which we love) and if he does wake a little, I just say, "night night" and he goes back to sleep. It was the longest two weeks of my life. Physically because I was getting even less sleep than before. Emotionally because I am nursing Swen less than I used to, and that has been much harder for me than I anticipated. I never had postpartum depression, but I could see myself getting post-weaning depression if that exists. Currently, he is only nursing when he wakes up in the morning, and that's it. I hope he doesn't give that up for quite a while.

I am so grateful that I randomly found this sleep plan and also found a great doctor at the same time. Prayer does work! I have no idea why my "Swen sleep issues" prayers took FOREVER to be answered, but I'm sure there's a reason, so I'll try not to complain.

Anyway, until my next Swen trial arises, I will enjoy my completely perfect boy!

Once morning comes, he still gets into bed. BEST EVER.

Hanging out in the gym at church. 

Swen's Words

Swen is learning some new words and imitating us constantly. I wanted to write them down real quick so I'll remember them. Right now his favorite words consist of:

up
this
uh-oh
thank you
da
mmmmmm

Adorable right?

Summer

Once again I'm way behind on updating things about life, so I will just try to sum up summer so far the best I can!

• Matt got the chance to go to Havasupi, near the Grand Canyon. He had an amazing time hiking and cliff jumping into bright blue waters. 
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
• My mom, Seth, Swen, and I all made a long trip up to Portland to visit my grandma. The car ride went surprisingly well. Seth took care of little Swen 80% of the time. The best day was going to the ocean and running in the waves. Swen loved the sand! 
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
• My grandma has the cleanest house in the entire world. It looks like nobody has ever lived there. While I was there, she told me every product she uses, how she cleans, and how often. I wrote it all down and am determined to make my house look like hers one day. 
• Swen is talking gibberish ALL the time. He gets books out and pretends to read them. It's just adorable. 
• Swen has a few real words: "uh-oh" "up" and his newest is "this" which he says while he points to everything he wants.
• Swen can climb up onto everything. His newest trick is getting up onto the shelf behind our couch. 
  
• Matt just finished his summer semester of school. He only has one semester until graduation! YAY!!!  I am exceptionally happy about this for a few reasons. First, he will be done with school and able to get a good-paying job. Second, we are really tired of paying money to that stupid school. My entire teaching bonus and all of our tax refund is completely gone to the University of Utah. We never liked having a savings account anyway. Third, and the most exciting, is that he will be home more!
• We have sacrificed  a lot so I can stay home with Swen, and after a year of not working, I am now working very part time (around 7-9 hours a week) at Macaroni Grill to help with finances and tuition. I guess this is a third reason I'm glad Matt's almost done. I am a wimp and don't like working at all. Even though it is just 2-3 days a week for just a few hours at the most, I feel like I'm missing out with Swen. He learns new things every day. He won't stay little for long, and I will be putting in two weeks' notice two weeks before Matt's graduation. :) The one good thing about working at Mac.Grill is sometimes I get to work with my little brother Isaiah, and I love that because he's busy and I don't see him too much.
• I am so proud and excited for Matt to be finishing school! I think it is something he never thought would really happen. I always knew he would get it done, and I know that although it has been hard, it is totally worth it for him to get a degree! Education is so important.
•  With school and work, Matt is very busy, but he always makes time to play with Swen. He takes a bath with him every night he's not at work. Swen much prefers taking baths with Daddy over me just sitting outside the bath and cleaning him as fast as possible.
• Swen loves playing with Kitty ALL the time. He laughs and laughs while chasing her around.
• My mom and I were supposed to start training for a 5K. Which hasn't happened.... Maybe next week?
• I've tried several new recipes. They all sucked. Matt's exact words were, "You should just stick with making what you know. Those always taste OK." Haha! Just OK is a great way to describe my food.
• We left Swen for an entire night for the first time!  He stayed with my parents and didn't miss me at all. My mom was so nice to get up with him over and over all night long. I was her worst sleeper as a baby, and now she is up with my horrible sleeping baby.
• Swen still is a horrible sleeper. Matt has three weeks off before fall semester begins, and he has been taking over trying to get him to sleep, and I think it is working because if I'm not around, he doesn't think about nursing.
• Swen has recently decided to be a vegetarian. I hope this phase ends soon.
• Matt's mom has summer vacation, so Swen has been able to spend some more time over there! Here's what happened on one of his visits. 
  

Life is just wonderful right now, and I still LOVE being a mommy more than anything in the entire world!