Inside my Crazy Pregnant Mind

I am over half way through my 39th week of pregnancy! It went by so fast that if I didn't look as big as a house, I wouldn't believe that I'm actually this far. I'm so grateful that I am healthy and that this baby sister will be fully grown and developed when she comes. No preemie clothes for her! I can't complain about this pregnancy at all. I am exhausted all the time, get worn out after about half an hour of anything, and have trouble sleeping, but that's about it. I know a lot of people have it worse, so I try not complain too much.

Now that I am one day from my due date (!), I am definitely freaking out. Good freaking out and bad freaking out. And that's what I want to write about tonight.

Let's start with the bad...

Swen is still waking up at 5:00 in the morning. It's killing me, and I'm not up all night nursing a newborn. I tried to keep him up late tonight to see if that would help. Then I got tired and decided to put him to sleep. FAIL.

Words can't express how sad I feel thinking that the days of having only Swen are over. Of course I'm excited to have a new baby sister; she was a planned baby! But I have just LOVED the past two years more than any other time in my life. I love being with Swen and don't want him to feel displaced. I worked part time just a little bit during his second year of life, but quit entirely a month ago. We have both gotten used to being together all the time. I don't know if it's the age/stage he's in or if he somehow "gets" that a baby is coming. He is so clingy right now and likes to be next to me constantly.

I am going to have to be in the hospital for 2-3 nights. BLAH! This means being away from Swen. Considering I was just complaining about him getting up super early, I should be excited for this little vacation. I'm definitely not. I'm dreading it. I lose sleep over it. I have left him overnight just two times in his whole life. The first time he was still nursing, so I saw him at 9:00 pm and again the next morning at 8:00. The second time was just recently for our anniversary We left about 4:00 pm and came home the next day about noon. So neither of these times did I go 24 hours without seeing Swen. I know that he will be able to come visit me in the hospital, but it still seems like way too long to be away from him overall.. Luckily Matt and I have lots of family around that Swen can be with. I should be planning times and whatnot with people, but I'm not. I plan on playing it all by ear depending on how he is doing and how I'm doing.

I'm going to have TWO kids. That explains itself.

That's enough of the bad. Here's all the GOOD freaking out going on in my mind:

I'm going to have a perfect little baby GIRL! I love babies, and I love being a mom. Like I said, raising Swen has been amazing and I have loved it all. The fact that I get to do that again is SO SO SO exciting. Every time I feel her move or see another little baby, I get more excited.

It's going to be a GIRL. In case you missed it in the last paragraph. I am so excited to put her in little pink clothes and bows. This could also go in the "bad freaking out" section, though, because I feel comfortable with a little boy, so a little girl is going to be all new.

I get to breastfeed another baby! Call me crazy, but some of my fondest memories were nursing Swen. I can't wait to get to do it all over again. And I don't have to figure out what to feed her which I'm finding quite the challenge with Swen these days.

I get to watch Matt be a daddy with another child. I knew when I married him that he was the companion for me. But I had no idea what kind of dad he'd be. It really could have gone both ways. I never knew that he would be the most patient, loving, caring, and giving dad that he is. He really loves Swen for the exact little person he is and isn't trying to change him or force things on him. He always puts him first and is already doing that with this little baby. I've been panicking about where she should sleep. Swen is in a little toddler bed that is right next to our bed. I was suggesting all these different ideas for where Baby Sister might sleep and Matt said, "Why don't I just go sleep on the couch for a bit, and she can sleep in bed with you? You know that is where she will sleep best, and it is easier for you to nurse her that way." This was the option I wanted all along, but I felt bad just kicking Matt out, so I didn't suggest it. But he remembered that is how Swen slept best, and will do whatever is best for his kids.

Right now that means sleeping on the couch here pretty soon-- and  working lots so I can stay home with them. When discussing finances and our very tight budget, he has not once asked me when I am going to go back to work or even suggested I go back to work. I am grateful that he knows how important it is to me and important for them to have me home when they are young. Because Swen is a toddler right now, I am very particular about how he is raised. I would  really struggle if someone else was dealing with his very "toddler" personality. I was just telling my mom how blessed I am to have a husband who is okay being poor and living in a one bedroom apartment (a very cute one though!). And also how grateful I am for her and my dad for having us live here as if it is our own little house, making it less stressful financially for me to stay home (I know my parents love it, but I'm still forever indebted). I owe all three of them my gratitude forever!

I get to hold a sleeping baby again. Swen only sleeps in beds now. I know this little baby girl will love being held, and I can't wait to do it!

Swen gets to be a big brother. It will be a while, but I know that one day the two of them are going to be best friends. And best enemies. :)

All these good freak-outs and bad freak-outs are the majority of what's keeping me up at night. I am so overwhelmed with excited, happy, sad, and scared emotions that it's hard to sleep. That and I have a giant baby inside me. She can come ANY day now. I'm really hoping for the 3rd of July, so let's plan on that.